It is cold outside and I am snuggling into my warm blanket, my mac on my lap. Guys, what is it I should be writing about? Why I design and how I finally got there? This includes some serious personal insights which I am about to share with you. Just keep this in mind when you read on, please. Thank you.
Designing is like coming home from a deep and dark journey through snowy mountains.
The step towards designing – creating something new and unique with my thoughts and hands – was a major one for me.
That is so easy for me, making the pros and the cons.
See, I love numbers. This is kind of rare (at least in my former school class). Mathematics are my playground and I can sit still for hours to solve a maths problem. Then I would stand up and tell everybody (who does not want to listen) that I got it right. And I am happy and joyful and exhausted, too. I am used to looking at problems logically.
And considering the possible results (you may guess it: chess is something I like to play). I am also totally focused on telling myself what dreadful things could happen if I would do this or that. Might be good if I would be thinking about starting to smoke. But this is an insurmountable obstacle if you want to get in touch with your fast and furious and spontaneous self! This slows me down a lot. And decisions? Sometimes I rather do the laundry than making the decision what to cook on weekends. Or I just stand still.
On the other hand: being logical makes me a bit untouchable. It helps me keeping distance from things which hurt. A lot. I travelled along these snowy mountains a long time. And I can still see them.
But I am on a sunny hill now. Follow me there.
I love to create things with my hands.
As a child, I was always crafting. There was no day without sketching, paper craft, playing with my dolls, bears, accordion, role plays, singing and dancing. I wanted to be a dancer and singer. There were several things that kept me from becoming one (“There is no money in that.” said my logical self).
My accordion – good and old friend
After school I wanted to work with my hands again instead of having a full brain overload. That is why I trained as an optician instead of going directly to university. Yes, I could work with my hands. And I learned to talk to people. That has supported me so much in conquering my shyness (“You are weird, why should people like you?” my logical self had told me for so long that I had nearly believed it.). Working with my hands was relaxing. But it soon was routine. And I started to feel that something was missing.
Back to the logical me.
Perhaps I should go to university after all, I thought. Perhaps my brain cells need more to mull over. So I studied. Optics. It was fun. More mathematics. Then, after many weird detours, I got a job.
And a family. This is warming my heart, always. The best part of my life.
But still, something was missing.
And this something grew. It made me fidgety. Unsatisfied. Unhappy. I do not want to meet myself this way ever again. My inner self was hurting and soon my body started hurting, too. A clear signal that something went completely awry. I just had to put everything in my life into question to get a different perspective. Before I would travel the snowy mountains forever. I started knitting. It kept me sane. I enjoyed it deeply. And I soon started to alter things in patterns which did not suit me.
My latest design: Marilla | soon to be published
And one day I woke up and I saw the sunny hills.
Because I discovered a treasure in me. Ideas. So many ideas. And one idea was the pre-idea of the next. Ideas flooded my brain all day long and I took some needles, a beautiful yarn in my favorite colorway and I designed my very first shawl. It was complete irrational and direct satisfaction. It won me over.
I design because it is the perfect way to express myself, to focus the flood of ideas in my brain and to share my love for creativity in general. And the greatest obstacle I had to overcome was me. But now I enjoy the sunny hills and visit the snowy mountains just for sledging or quick snowball fights. I have come to rest. And I am very grateful for that.